My own personal and well tested advice for anyone thinking of hosting a dinner party.
You'll be guaranteed a wonderful evening if you roughly stick to the following schedule…
7 - 7.30: The arrival window. This is literal. The window should be, preferably, on the ground floor for easy access and should cater for all sizes and various body shapes, including 'odd'.
7.30 Guests arrive.
7.30 The good sherry is passed around for inspection.
7.45 Everyone then 'friends'.
7.55 Evensong followed by prayers for the retarded.
7.59 Just enough time for 'The Hungry Waltz', accompanied, as ever, by Diamonique on the piano.
8 pm Supper is served: 'Battered Rabbit Tramp' with Hunkledown mushrooms on the side. Followed by pudding: a choice between 'Sue's Meltdown's' or 'Baby Elephant Jesus Cakes'.
8.30 Those that are still eating shall be ribbed mercifully!
8.35 Fold chairs away.
8.42 Move to gunroom.
9.00 Guess the beetroot. (Those who don't take part are told to 'shit or get off the pot'.)
9.10 Erotic poses from history, need I say more!
9.20 The Imperfect Past Participle.
9:30 World events.
9.45 A short lecture on the history of shame given by Helga Von BoomBerg.
9.55 All stand for her majesty's safe crossing!
10.00 Last minute stories of Phantasmagoria.
10.15 Short abrupt punch to the stomach.
10.18 Farewells, fond I hope.
People then leave back through the arrival window.
